Helping Families Thrive In Uncertain Times - Part Two

by Khadija A. Fredericks, Head of School

With all that’s going on in the world, I have appreciated the many times this summer when I have been able to gather with colleagues to share, to brainstorm, and to commiserate. We learn from each other. We gain strength and comfort from our collective wisdom and experiences.

I think that’s why I have so enjoyed the Parenting in Place: Helping Families Thrive in Challenging Times masterclass series. For the past several weeks, I’ve been Zooming in to hear from prominent thought leaders in parenting, neuroscience, education, and well-being who feel passionate about helping families navigate these challenging times. These experts, many familiar to our Common Ground community, have come together to share their very best strategies and ideas for helping children and families thrive during this unprecedented time.

I shared insights from the first few weeks in an earlier blog post and now I’d like to share my takeaways from the past few sessions with you.

Showing Up

Katie Hurley, LCSW - child and adolescent psychotherapist

Tina Payne Bryson, PhD - psychotherapist

Everyone is feeling some level of anxiety about next year. There are no good answers out there. There is a lot of stress within families and communities and that stress trickles down to our children. Kids are super perceptive and pick up on stress in the room. They can feel our emotions and eventually it comes out. When kids are under stress or exhausted they tend to have tantrums and behave in ways that trigger us. It is okay. There is no perfect handbook that helps families but when we meet our kids with empathy we meet them where they are and we can help them through their stressors. 

The behaviors that trigger us are surface-level behaviors. Underneath the waterline is where our emotions live. It could be fear, loneliness, anger, frustration, and/or sadness. When they get stuffed down they come out as explosions or negative behaviors in kids. As parents, we need to breathe and figure out what is going on.

1. Connect - Let them know you are here for them. Ask if they’d like a hug or to snuggle. Talk with your children to figure out what is going on.

2. Listen - Try not to give suggestions. Just listen to them.

3. Empathize - Show that you understand and want to help.

4. Guide - Help them work through their feelings and problems.

The support one receives is the difference between a life challenge leading to trauma or resilience. Challenges and adversity are good for us, but when we have support, it is better. All of the feelings that you are having is appropriate. We feel like we are on rollercoasters, unsettled, there is an unhealthy response to constantly moving information.

One thing we know about what children need most from you is you. As best as you can, be calm and regulated and that safe harbor for them. Create an environment in your home that is calm in the midst of all this storm.

What do we do in the midst of a pandemic so that our children feel attached to us?

The four S’s

Safe - We can’t be the source of our child’s fear or distress. Arguing in front of children or raising your voice as well as becoming upset incite fear and makes us unpredictable. We have to repair these instances with our kids. This teaches them to apologize and understand more about conflict. Use safety-based messaging instead of fear-based messages. 

Scene - This is about tuning in to how they are feeling. Example: if your child starts complaining and your automatic response is critical, it will be hard for students when they are taking the risk to share their world and what is going on for them. At that moment, it is important to be present. You are meeting them where they are.

Soothing - This is about comforting, nurturing, and caring for our children. Offering hugs, kisses, or anything that lets them know that you care.

Secure - Your brain is wired to know that if you have a need, your support will show up for you. You want your children to know confidently that you will show up for them if they have a need. They learn to self-soothe when they have a lot of practice with your support. 

Back to School and Resources

Jessica Lahey, Jessica writes about education, parenting, and child welfare for The Atlantic, The Washington Post and the New York Times and is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. 

Dr. Derrick Gay, Derrick is an international educator with 23 years of experience consulting with schools and businesses to cultivate cultural competency

Phyllis Fagell - Phyllis is a licensed clinical professional counselor, certified professional school counselor and journalist

All of us in the course of our life experiences a lifequake - a major life transition that can last for five years or more. We are all collectively going through a similar lifequake right now with COVID-19. This pandemic is an opportunity for us to help our kids develop transition skills: flexibility, compassion, and grace for others.

We should work towards helping kids retain optimism and make a smooth transition to the start of school - no matter what it looks like. Take the photo of your child on the first day of school, have them call a grandparent to discuss the first day of school, buy the new backpack, convey that it is a step up. Encourage them to be excited about the school year as a new beginning and an opportunity to make new friends.

Normalize the feelings that they are having. It is normal to feel more sensitive right now. In the absence of organic positive interactions, children’s sensitivity is heightened. Find ways to get together and create opportunities for community.

As the school year begins, help your children focus on the things they can control. There is so much they can’t control: they can’t control if they are in school in person; they can’t control whether school shuts down; they can’t control in which cohort they are assigned. But there are certain aspects of their life right now that they can control. If they are struggling in a class, they can reach out to a teacher. If their friends aren’t making them feel included, they can brainstorm ways to reach out to someone else. And right now we want to help them prune and curate their social circle with people who are making them feel good about themselves and not bad.

Think of this time as temporary. Use language such as “when you see your friends again” or “when things get back to normal.” This helps children stay positive about what is to come. 

We can also help our kids get out of their own heads by helping others. They can take care of a pet, help a younger student in the school, tutoring, volunteering, etc. We want children to feel good about themselves. Accept your children for who they are. 

“The wider the gap between who a child is and who they think you need them to be, the more they struggle.” Dr. Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed